Low maintenance

This is the thing about being beautiful; you feel like you should always be that. Growing up, someone told me I was pretty almost everyday. Everyday. Eventually you kinda become numb to it. At the same time it's a burden. No lie. Two things helped ground me and keep me from becoming a stuck up twitch. First, one of my grandmothers really helped to raise me. Mum had me at a young age. I was around granny a lot. This woman was kind, helpful, sweet, and giving to everyone we encountered. I watched her treat salesclerks, bus drivers, clergymen, and hoochie women, all the same, with respect and love. She was patient and strong and creative and spiritual and gorgeous. She raised me to be the same way. The second thing that helped keep my head a normal size, was mommy dearest. Mum would tell people rudely not to tell me that I was pretty. She would snap at family, friends, and strangers alike, "Don't tell her she's pretty! I want her to be smart. We don't do that." As a child, I found it very strange and didn't see the big deal, either way. Kids want to be happy, create, and play. They want to discover. Most of all they want to be assured they're "okay." There seemed to be a lot anger in her voice. I never understood it and now I....

Beauty. What does it mean? Not a damn thing, really. I'm over 30 now, and while I feel fairly young, things r changing. Everything is bigger, for starters. I took my skin for granted and it's dry now. I get new moles every year, just like mum. I get pimples and not little ones, big ones. Gross. My hair is thinner. Sometimes times my bones crack. For the first time in my life I'm beginning to worry about looks. We'll I'll be.... All these years I didn't even care what I looked like! I wore jeans, ponytails, and gym shoes. I don't know how to put on makeup. Unbelievable.

It's a new age now baby. Everbody's looking good and looking young. People make a life out of being fierce, Suga. More people workout now more than ever. We post our pictures on the internet and socialize with folks we knew 20 years ago. Little girls get manicures. Baby, a diva finds herself fading into the background. A twitch gotta make an effort now? Uh, uh. Beauty doesn't fade, but it does change. Oy vay.

stunting

watching wendy williams I like the show for the most part, but it is over the top. she found herself a catchy little song, score. and of course the how u doin?, LOVE IT. the boobs, the boobs, the boobs: its too much. God bless and to each his own. I never caught her on the radio, but once i got a computer........exactly one year and ten months ago..... i eventually stumbled upon (looked up) her gossip and sites. u can't stunt on a woman doing her and getting pizaid.







{i believe in how u doin? with a droopy lip and a crazy eye}

still don't know how to use all aspects of the computer and its programs how pathetic






wendys guest is roseanne. i've always looked up to that broad and a broad she is; ballsy, funny, outspoken, loud. she had a great tv show too and i want to be an actress. shes always been herself, even when things got messy. Roseanne brought working and low income people to light in her work, in interviews, and as an activist. you can't stunt on that either

period.

2009

Well, it's a new year. 2010 has arrived. I, for one, am glad 2009 is over. It was a confusing, bitter, lazy year for me. I was angry a lot. I get a little sad thinking about all the time wasted worrying about how others felt and what they thought of me. It's pathetic really. I have been concerned about neighbors I couldn't see and strangers I would never see again. #comeonson



I was probably clinically depressed and in need of help. I was in denial about every aspect of my life. I let go of my appearance and my home. For the first part of the year, there was clearly no pleasing me. Searching. Searching for peace, acceptance, and a trusting shoulder to cry on. There were periods of satisfaction and pleasure, but they were always short lived. Sooner or later I'd turn away from the person, convincing myself they didn't understand me, didn't care, and or didn't have my best interest at heart.



Today I woke up with a different attitude. I am learning to put myself first and how to truly take care of myself. I did some stretching, have had lots of water, and washed the damn dishes, that have been in the sink for a week. (I wash until the drying rack is full, then stop) I read from a book of daily affirmations. I talked to my mother and didn't let the normal, tense, feelings of hate and avoidance immediately creep in. I'm changing!!



I ate a healthy meal and less than I normally would. I decided to feel positive about the future, even though I don't have enough money to pay the rent. It'll get done, right? I looked in the mirror and decided that all of my imperfections are beautiful. I was even more patient with cat.



I'm stoked about "a new year." This is the time to reflect and grow, choose a different thought or reaction. For me, it's The Time to actually choose a path, scary as it seems. I can do better, that is the bottom line. I want more. I'm not using all of my talents.

Cheers. Here's to a new year, a breathe of fresh air. Out with the old and in with new. Kudos.

Blanket

A lot of people become famous, or shall I say seek fame, in search of love. Love means that people accept and praise you, just as you are. I have always wanted to be famous. This is the first time I am admitting it, outside of talks with the (former) bestie. Everyone in the world knowing your name has got to feel warm and fuzzy, right? That is, until they tear you down. The admirers become critics and then enemies. Envy is a beast.

My name in lights...appearing on Broadway....more money than I could ever spend. As I think about Tiger Woods and the situation he's in, my own secrets come to mind: things I would rather hide. There comes that time. Sooner or later, after years of adulation and people hanging on your every word, they start to hate you. In America a celebrity has as much clout and perceived knowledge as a doctor, lawyer, or clergyman. Yet, sooner or later you will be picked apart .

I'm rethinking my big bright future. I don't deal well with criticism. I really prefer for people to like me, I care what people think, it's pathetic. I would cower and cringe under the eye of public scrutiny. If I could work with Will Smith or Simon Baker it may be worth it. I'd need lots of dough and the love of the other 3/4 of the world, however. Then I'd take it.

So life hurts sometimes. So, sometimes you get kicked in the face. Such is life. It's cruel, confusing, and combative. Ahhh, well. You have to pick yourself up, dust off, and keep moving. Most times others will walk over you rather than lend a hand. Stand strong and do for self. No one else will. I am thankful for each day and every breath. I am thankful to the Universe and our Father, daily. Thank You. I cannot thank you, however. You have had way too many chances to prove your love and your true self. Your time is up. You suck. You suck the life out of me and any positive energy out of every room. It was fun knowing you. We made a lot of memories and spent a lot of time. That time has now come to an end. I know you will never forget me. Soon you will long for me and what used to be. Cling to the thoughts, but don't ever call me. Now I see clearly. I tried. We died. I grew, you didn't. I waited, but the good things about you faded. Goodbye old friend.

Friends suck.

im still pretty much dazed and confused wondering what in the world to do thankful for each day and every breathe but i cant help wondering what else...there are days when things seem clear others mistakes keep popping up from the rear weird lonely isolated self inflicted pain and confusion i used then i use then again sin never enough wins way back when i was innocent then again...wanting to fly goodbye see u soon maybe chili cheese fries in vegas how can i be more wise and unleash my disguise why why me why now how

I NEED LOVE

Life has been gently cornering me, forcing me to take a good look at myself and my actions. It is time for major change. I've become lazy and semi-depressed. I believe in listening to the voice of the Universe, which speaks to us all the time. I hear You. Every little nuisance is a time to learn and grow, not just get pissed or blow off steam. When you point your finger at the other guy, so clearly in the wrong, you must take a good look at yourself, your actions and choices as well. I'm cleaning the clutter out of my apartment, trying to settle debts, writing some poetry, and avoiding (most) toxic situations.

I am still single. Unbelievable. I've set a record. I think I've been walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders and that it has shown. There aren't always a ton of good things to say about guys, but there are decent vibe readers. They pick up on where a chicks head is at. I will give them that. I'm really over being on my own at this point. Enough. The time has come to let my guard down, live a little, and love a little. Where the heck do ya go to meet a decent guy these days? I have no clue.

I'm watching the BET Hip Hop Awards. Fabolous is hot. The set, the dancers, his flow is on point. But what are black men hiding from? Diddy, The Dream, and even my Hova, wearing the freakin sunglasses! What is it with that? What are you hiding?


I'm just saying...


Fab was looking cute though.

Down and Out

Does anybody care when I get lonely. Where are friends when you feel like you're drowning in the sea of life. Will there ever be another to dry my tears. When will the confusion disappate. Often comfortable in my own skin, but never really fitting in. They say you are born alone and die alone. Lord, please don't let that be true. Approval. Hope. Love. Kindness. Friendship. Support. Respect. Family. Getting out of my head and my thoughts would be great, if I could actually make that happen. Strong and solid on the outside. My soul is fluid. I can be tough, but would rather be well received. I am never enough. I am never enough for my loved ones. I am never enough for the voices in my head. The mirror lies and so does the devil. Potential flies out of the window. I disappoint. If the sun is not shining, there is no way the day can be great. Without a boyfriend I am secretly lost. Lost, waiting to be found. Pissed. Lonely. Less than, when I was once a work of art.
I'm out.