Boys

I love a man with a huge heart. One who is not afraid to show his sensitive side. I love a man who helps lil old ladies and gushes over babies, puppies, and kittens. It's not even a bad idea to show me that your tear ducts work. DO act like a man, however. Have strength. Know how to make a decision, communicate your feelings. Tell me what you want, think, feel, need, or don't. Keep it real. Be a man. Act respons - ibly. Protect. Lead. And listen. Be hard and soft. LOL. Am I asking for too much? Can a man even be all those things? Are we raising little boys to be men? Does a human being encompass all that? Are my desired requests why I'm single?! Am I looking for female traits?! HA. Help your mother.

I NEED LOVE

Life has been gently cornering me, forcing me to take a good look at myself and my actions. It is time for major change. I've become lazy and semi-depressed. I believe in listening to the voice of the Universe, which speaks to us all the time. I hear You. Every little nuisance is a time to learn and grow, not just get pissed or blow off steam. When you point your finger at the other guy, so clearly in the wrong, you must take a good look at yourself, your actions and choices as well. I'm cleaning the clutter out of my apartment, trying to settle debts, writing some poetry, and avoiding (most) toxic situations.

I am still single. Unbelievable. I've set a record. I think I've been walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders and that it has shown. There aren't always a ton of good things to say about guys, but there are decent vibe readers. They pick up on where a chicks head is at. I will give them that. I'm really over being on my own at this point. Enough. The time has come to let my guard down, live a little, and love a little. Where the heck do ya go to meet a decent guy these days? I have no clue.

Already?

I'm not sure when I am going to get relationships right. Not sure when I will understand men. I don't know...Dating has been a lot of fun the past few months and here we are. Now is the time we slowly start to annoy each other. Already? We are getting sensitive and wondering what every action and nuance means. I am guilty too. My first thought is always to peace them out. I run away and free myself from any uncomfortable, confrontational situations as soon as possible. Is it too much to ask for a man who knows how to and enjoys listening? Am I expecting too much if I want him to be clean, smell good and not have any dirt under his nails? Are there enough cultured, open-minded men to go around? Do guys still read? Can I find one who is intellectual, kind, loving, sexy and honest? If not, I'd rather be on my own.

Michael Jackson Passed Away Today

They spoke about Farrah Fawcett's grave condition this morning on The View. Although I don't believe in watching the news anymore, I had heard she was gravely ill. I thought it brave for such a sexy icon to allow people to see some of what she had been through. Although there would certainly be reports on it, with or without her blessing.

That bathing suit poster will forever be imbedded in the minds of many, including me. Oh how I enjoyed watching her and the rest of Charlie's Angels back when tv was better. I did not have the will to watch the latest specials on her life. I am easily drained and weakened by such realities.

I have been wanting to blog for at least a year now. Things have to be perfect, as I see them, in my world. I can talk myself out of a great idea in 2.3 seconds. I started a site last year that expired and have spent the rest of my time keeping a journal, only thinking of following my dream. The guy I have been dating set it off tonight. He pissed me off and seeing that it's after midnight, I have no one to mouth off to. Perfect time to start a blog!

We met at work over a year ago, we don't usually work the same shift. Chatted and made silly jokes to pass the time, had an easygoing chemistry/comfort between us. I took an unexpected leave and when I saw him 6 months later he seemed extra happy to have run into me. Later that day he asked for my number.

"Egor" is a soft spoken, witty, mannerable guy. He happens to be 5 years my junior. He has that sweet kind of personality I like to sink my teeth into and project my knight in shining armour fantasies onto. We had a few really fun, memorable dates and shared many late night, run out the landline battery, conversations. Vibing...for about 6 weeks...no sex. Things were going really well and he approached me about making things more official. I suggested a little more time, so as to get to know each other better. I do not believe in ever wasting time, unless it is my own personal goal.

Around week six I invited "Egor" to my part time job's party, to which I arrived early. He knew no one. Egor walks in the door and joins the current conversation within two minutes, after a quick one on one interaction. I pour him a few stiff ones. We end up spending most of the night talking to a precocious female, new to the company, 10 years HIS junior. Great fun, lots of laughs and a good time. I thought he mentioned getting her email for some link and found it only a little odd, in the glow of red, red wine.

At work she mentioned he was awesome and "Ha, ha. I may take him from you." I was in a 'be my guest' mood. I explained that he is great, we had a few dates, I'm unsure...go for it. I wasn't completely serious. She said it was obvious he only had eyes for me. When I got off they were sitting together, but his eyes met mine and he quickly got up, looking very pleased to see me.

Fast forward to today. It's almost two weeks later, many phones calls and sweet nothings later. He, oh so casually, mentions that he talked to her. I lost my lid immediately, not even caring what they spoke about. He says it was the first time and innocent, that he thought I knew they were exchanging email addresses. "You should know where my interests lies." I couldn't help but feel a little deceived. Why wait two weeks to mention it? Plus, I knew how she felt already, he claims he did not.

My initial reaction is always to flee, even over the phone. LOL. He tried to communicate where he was coming from and that he is and has always been honest. He thought she and I were friends, making it ok. To me that would make it worse. Communicate HOWEVER many times with my friend and fail to mention it. Shady....aftermath.

Soooo, on the day the King of Pop unexpectedly died, just as he was on the verge of a comeback and hopefully making more beautiful music, this garbage happens. I could be blowing it out of proportion, it wouldn't be the first time! We aren't even exclusive, but that's what he says he wants. What, are we all going to hang out now? I did let him know she has the hots for him. I would really like a man in my life, it has been too long, but I don''t know...I have the hardest time bouncing back from even a perceived betrayal. Clearly my own issue. I have to see him at work tomorrow. Hopefully I can shake some of this pissiness off by then, but it won't be easy.

RIP MJJ, Farrah, and Ed McMahon

I will enjoy MJJ's music until it is my time to go, thank you. I start this blog today because life is short and I am learning to live in the moment, for it is all we have. In that moment I was pissed the ----off and in this moment I needed to write and vent.

Be Safe Kitties


btw
the first too have now passed yesterday, according to my clock