I have just come to the conclusion that I liked girls in high school. Sitting here in silence, watching the trees and the sky, I realized that I had crushes on quite a few girls. Just too chicken, I tell ya! If one of them had made the first move it would have been on. I remember wanting them to bring it up. Something, anything. It's funny how we block things out over time.

I fell for my share of boys, and hard, if I did at all. But alot of those relationships were about controlling the situation. I wanted them to fullfill something I thought was lacking in me. Perhaps a father's approval and adornment. They had to prove they were sincere and "really loved me," before they could get to any base. The games we play, in search of our own acceptance.

Wow..I admitted something to myself I have known for the longest time. Although non practicing, I am pretty bisexual. Something I have given a lot of thought to...and ignored...and shunned and shamed. I did confide in some people. Lord have mercy. I love myself and in the end that means I have to be myself. It's a scary thought though. I enjoy privacy, blending in with the crowd, non-judgement.

I have probably been to at least 50 gay clubs, events, parades, stores, and fundraisers in my years. Meeting someone there still feels like the oddest idea and foreign, i.e. scary. I wouldn't know what to do or say. Yet I have found more than my share of women sexy.

I can add this to the list of my issues. Great.

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